For months, Senator Matt Claman (D – Anchorage) has effectively blocked a bipartisan effort to raise the age of consent in Alaska to 18, leaving political allies and advocates for victims of sexual violence reeling with a combination of confusion, dismay, and disgust. Many have found Claman’s explanations for stalling the bill evasive and unconvincing, leading to widespread speculation about the Senator’s actual motivations.
In a Saturday press event at the Capitol, Senator Claman’s staffers finally offered their first public explanation for the delay. “This isn’t about putting 16 and 17-year-old children at risk from sexual predators,” one staffer explained. “Senator Claman simply believes that this age of consent legislation would be an unacceptable blow to Alaska’s MILFs and Cougars, who don’t need government to get between them and rebellious high school football quarterbacks, long-haired garage band lead guitarists, or precocious theater kids with mommy issues. This is a basic quality-of-life issue. Senator Claman is deeply committed to serving his MILF and Cougar constituents, many of whom rely on the potential for a sultry tryst with a high school lifeguard or spa assistant with a visible six pack under a slightly-too-tight uniform to get them through their day.”
In a well-attended presentation several hours later, Senator Claman added that his opposition to age of consent legislation rested largely on economic grounds. “Together, MILFs and Cougars currently make up more than 28% of our fragile economy here in Alaska,” Claman explained. “In Eagle River and South Anchorage, that number rises to 62%. And this demographic is highly mobile. If we shame MILFs and Cougars for hitting on the sophomore hunk with ripped skinny jeans and a vape pen outline in his back pocket who mows their lawn, or for going full Mrs. Robinson on that wayward 17-year-old hipster with the hastily-applied eyeliner at their local coffee ship, our precious MILFs will take themselves — and their dollars — to greener, younger pastures.”
When the Landmine’s summer intern called Claman’s gubernatorial office for comment, a representative asked him how old he was, and, after a pause, whether he had any plans later.