Humor, Satire, and Parody

Legislative aide fired for only washing hands for 19 seconds

Amid growing concern in the Capitol about the spread of the novel coronavirus, known as COVID-19, a legislative aide has been dismissed for only washing his hands for 19 seconds. Mandatory 20 second hand washing has been instituted throughout the Capitol.

In a joint statement from Senator David Wilson (R – Wasilla) and Representative Tiffany Zulkosky (D – Bethel), who chair the Senate and House Health and Social Services Committees, they stated, “We have instituted a zero tolerance policy for anyone who does not wash their hands for at least 20 seconds. No exceptions will be made, unless you are an elected official. In which case this policy does not apply to you.”

As the staffer was being escorted out of the building by security wearing hazmat suits, he was heard yelling, “I’m sorry. I just couldn’t remember all the words to that baby shark song!” Health and Social Services Commissioner Adam Crum responded by saying, “It’s not that hard. Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo. Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo. Learn the words, dumbass.”

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