Ask a Cat: Mormons, public waters, and a coffee shop crush

Ask a cat is an advice column featured in the Alaska Landmine. Have a question for the Cat? Email or click here to submit via a form (anonymous) to get the answers to any of life’s problems.

Dear Cat,

The Mormons keep coming by my house every time I am trying to take a shower or doing something else meaningful in my day. I don’t want to be rude at all, but how do I let them know I am really busy and don’t have time to talk?

Dear Human,

Cat certainly appreciates not wanting to be bothered while grooming or purrforming other “meaningful” tasks during my day. I reckon there are a couple of ways to handle your conundrum. If you are in the mood for a bit of fun, Cat supposes you could give them a meaningful task, if they insist on being around. Maybe there is a driveway that needs to be shoveled, or taxes to be prepared. If you are feeling a bit avoidant, you could put a sign on your door requesting no solicitors, religious or otherwise. Cat suspects that the most straight forward (albeit, most awkward) solution is to simply say “thanks for your interest in my immortal soul, I am not interested and would appreciate you no longer coming by.” Should they disregard your request, you have Cat’s blessing to use the spray bottle on them.


Dear Cat,

Now that the dust has settled over the Campbell Lake debacle, can I launch my boat (small 14′) to go fishing this summer? My boat is registered, and I have a current fishing license.

Dear Human,

While Cat is generally averse to large bodies of water and local politics, Cat does think you should be fine to recreate in such a manner. If I use my toe beans to navigate to the Google, it would appear that, in fact, Campbell Lake is “open to the public for boating and all forms of permissible recreation.”

Although Cat appreciates some of the residents of Campbell Lake feel differently, it would appear that is just a matter of opinion at this point. Cat does, however, encourage those recreating to do so in as courteous a manner as paws-ible. While it may be public access, there’s no reason to abuse the privilege and lose ones dignity. Enjoy your boat, enjoy the public waters, and do your best to ignore the gnashing of privileged teeth by the homeowners.


Dear Cat,

I go to SteamDot most weekdays. One of the baristas is really cute. I think she might like me, she’s always friendly and she knows what coffee I get. Would I be creepy if I asked her out? I don’t want to be that guy if I’m wrong. What do you think?

Dear Human,

That’s a tricky question- and Cat suspects that those who don’t think it’s a tricky question are liable to be the creeps if they aren’t careful, so let’s unpack it a bit.

Here’s the thing, human lady is arguably just doing her job. Even a moderately capable Golden Retriever would be able to remember a regular’s drink order. Cat also thinks it is part of the job to be generally friendly. It is very possible she is just efficient and good at her work. That information aside, let’s try to apply a little logic: is Barista generally of an appropriate age for you to date? Do you happen to know if you two have anything in common beyond proximity to coffee beans? Will it be terribly awkward if you ask her out while picking up your morning latte and face rejection? Are you prepared to seek caffeine elsewhere should that occur? Cat doesn’t think that you simply can’t ask – but human needs to be fully prepared to respectfully back off if Barista indicates she is not interested or seems uncomfortable. With an abundance of caution, Cat wishes you good luck in your romantic endeavors.


Caturday Contemplations

Dear Humans, the name of the game this week is r-e-s-p-e-c-t. Find out what it means to Cat and act accordingly. Cat says let’s not make assumptions about others religious festivities, water sport activities, or dating proclivities. 🐾

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Cat Owner
30 days ago

Dear Cat,

In regard to respect, how do you feel about the fact that you keep knocking my stuff off of the counter without any apparent good reason?

25 days ago
Reply to  Cat Owner

My reasons are above your understanding. Your items are below us both, on the floor.

28 days ago

Fastest way to get rid of those Mormon callers is to offer them a beer

Red Ryder
26 days ago

Re the Mormons, I’ve always fantasized about laying in a stash of porn mags (do they even have those now?) and asking the Mormon “Elders” to rid my home of this vile moral pollution. After taking them through the mags page by page to show the Mormons just how vile they are, of course.