Some time ago, when I first started writing these semi-coherent, sporadically published, mildly offensive screeds about a decently popular television show, a commenter with a screen name I have since come to learn is a reference to that very show remarked (among other things) that he was “looking forward to my thoughts on Episode 5.” My, it feels like so long ago. At some point fairly recently, the Met Gala happened, and Connor Storrie and Hudson Williams showed up looking like Zoolander extras.
My girlfriend sends word from the “Girl Show” front that there is some kind of new romantic television show with hockey players that I “have to watch” that’s like straight Heated Rivalry called Off Campus. The hockey television resurgence – or maybe just “surgence,” I mean, was there ever an actual hockey show trend besides this one and maybe “Slap Shot” and “Mighty Ducks” – anyhow, it has all our beloved foids hooked. “You have to watch it, and mention it in your column, all the girls will love it!!!” Tell Me Lies about The Summer I Turned Pretty, Off Campus, and there was a Heated Rivalry going on, which had me in a state of Euphoria.
(This joke is trademarked by Young Jake Inc Productions, 2026. All Rights Reserved.)
Well, anyway, I’ve watched Episode 5, homeboy, and here are my thoughts.
We drop back into the Shane and Rose fiasco, and after a tense dinner, with lines like “Are there any gay hockey players?” (from Rose) and “I prefer being the round hole rather than the square peg” (from Shane), Rose finally finds out that her boyfriend is, well, deeply closeted. And it’s fine, they can be friends. They can be best pals.
Cut to Rozanov doing WWE moves on his girlfriend while they both critique hockey. That’s what it’s all about, man. It is time for the 2017 All-Star Game in Tampa, and Shane and Ilya are playing on the same team. Literally and figuratively! Hello! Rozanov wears a Hawaiian shirt which feels somehow disconcerting, because up to this point, all we have seen him wear is athletic gear or nothing at all. It’s like when they put clothes on Spuds Mackenzie. Miami Vice for the modern man.
Rozanov and Hollander have a tense meeting in a hotel room, where they argue the semiotics of their relative sexualities. Ilya sees himself as “not gay,” partially out of the necessity to keep up appearances so he can return to his notoriously homophobic home country. Shane, meanwhile, uses the phrase “I think I’m gay,” which, what gave it away? Wat mean? BAP speaks of this. I mean, I’m sure he does.
It does get fairly emotional when Rozanov breaks down over his father’s rapidly failing health and the death of his mother. Shortly after this, he is conspicuously absent from the exhibition game and it is revealed that Father Rozanov has passed away, necessitating Ilya’s return to Russia to deal with the funeral and the estate. You can tell it’s Russia because there’s a gray/beige filter over everything and Orthodox chants are constantly playing in the background.
Rozanov’s brother demands money and uses some decidedly politically incorrect terms to refer to his brother, at which point Ilya sort of cuts his losses, Eastern Promises some money to his niece, and cuts ties with his Slavic kin. The Brothers No-more-azov. Dostoyevsky speaks of this. Maybe he doesn’t, but he ought to. Rozanov’s girlfriend gives him kind of a sweet farewell, while also letting on that she’s figured out his little secret. Remember the phone aliases – “Jane,” for Hollander, in Rozanov’s phone? GF refers to Jane as “he.” Or she’s a fan of noted Joss Whedon mid-2000s masterpiece “Firefly,” in which there is a male Jayne. Let’s talk about that. But later, later. Some other time, in some other column.
Hollander goes down hard in the next exhibition game – hard even for hockey. He is rushed to the hospital, where Ilya later visits him. Shane asks him to “come to my cottage this summer,” which is one of those lines that’s on all the merch.
As Shane is recovering at his parents’ place, he watches the MLH finals, and Scott Hunter’s team (remember him?) wins. A grand celebration is had by all, but Smoothie Kip is there to share in it, and in the episode’s final moments, Scott invites him down onto the ice in front of everyone and makes their relationship public. Which is supposed to be a very nice moment, and I suppose it is, but if I won a rowing meet and my coxswain made the celebration all about his new girlfriend, I guess I might be a little steamed. It’s about getting pucks deep, pucks in nets.
I’m running out of things to say about this show, and not a moment too soon. There’s one episode left. Unclear as to what the finale has to offer, but here we are. Thank you for sticking with me. I see the finish line. In the meantime, back to bar exam prep. Can anyone give me a decent mnemonic device for remembering the specific cases to which the Statute of Frauds applies? Sound off in the comments.
Jacob Hersh was born and raised in Anchorage. He recently graduated with a law degree from the University of Idaho and is now studying for the bar. He occasionally does movie reviews and writes weird columns for the Landmine to get extra money for beer.