I caught a Washington State University/University of Idaho hockey game the other day. As an alumnus of the former and an attendee of the latter, I wore a WSU sweatshirt and a bedraggled Idaho hat, so that whichever team was winning, I could take off the opposite piece of clothing so as to always be supporting the winner. It is testament to my great charm and ability to quickly don and remove a vintage crewneck that nobody caught onto my very stupid scheme.
As it happened, WSU won the game in overtime, and I was able to stow my hat in a jacket pocket and scuttle out into the cold where the passenger handle of my truck broke as I was opening it for my girlfriend. Call it penance, I guess, for being a disloyal fan.
The game was packed – more than you would expect on a Friday night in a college town. And the audience was predominantly college-aged women, cheering for the teams in their “boy aquarium.” I attribute the increased popularity to several factors – firstly, the cross-border rivalry between the Cougs and Vandals that has existed in one form or another for decades; secondly, the recent win by the men’s and women’s American teams in Olympic hockey; and thirdly, the popularized erotic stylings of Messrs. Rozanov and Hollander on “Heated Rivalry.”
Except on this episode, we take a little detour, and the two starcrossed lovers with whom we have been so intimately acquainted in episodes one and two are put on the back burner for a moment. Episode Three follows Scott Hunter (not the ex-Packers QB), the captain of the New York Admirals as he steps into a smoothie shop and meets … Kip! A name I have never heard outside of “Napoleon Dynamite” and the actor from “Rules of Attraction.”
Kip is the unnecessarily jacked short king who runs the smoothie shop that Scott frequents, whose recommendation that Scott “add a banana” to a particular blend of fruits causes Hunter to break a slump and start winning games. “When I make it for myself in the morning, I add a banana,” says Kip. Yeah, I bet, homeboy. The most unrealistic part of this high-priced New York smoothie shop? No nonbinary barista getting shit done behind the counter. Real ex-Anchorage-Target-Starbucks-pre-remodel ones know. The summer of 2019 taught me a lot about being a man, making bad coffee, and hiding in the walk-in fridge to think about my life choices.
At one point, we are treated to a New York Post headline about Scott’s win that reads “Night of the Hunter!” which is a very funny reference to make in 2014 to a Robert Mitchum film. Hell, it’s a funny reference to make now. Perhaps, Mr. Tierney, I have underestimated you. Now how does this smoothie place (Straw+Berry, by the way, which really makes sense for hipster era New York) make any money – no one is ever here except Scott and Kip and Kip’s coworker who gives the twosome googly eyes every time the hunky hockey player KEEPS COMING IN FOR HIS SMOOTHIES!!!
Slight Diversion: And let’s talk, readers, about how jacked everyone is in this show. Everyone looks like they are starring in a pre-woke Calvin Klein ad. Let’s get some diverse body type representation. Let’s talk about (reading off Google search page) “bears.” And “otters.” And “twinks.” All those different types of beautiful boys. No need for Kip to be built like a Spartan warrior – he works at a smoothie store. I understand the need for aesthetic male beauty – I have read BAP, after all – but no Jamba Juice I have ever walked into features a front-of-house Greek statue. Back to business.
It turns out that Kip both lives with his dad and waits tables for fancy dinners on the side, while he works on getting into grad school. As someone who has done all three of these things, I will refrain from passing judgment – the wound is still too fresh and the student loans still too vast and ponderous. If a closeted hockey player wants to give me oodles of cash to pay for law school, well – my girlfriend could probably look the other way. But given the way she’s latched onto this show, she might not look the other way.
Another Slight Diversion: Are any of these hockey players straight? Statistically, at least one has to be – unless we’re living in the Canadian Fujoshi-verse. Okay, last one of these.
Kip ends up waiting tables for a soiree that Scott happens to be at, which, in the style of this show, leads to the latter bringing the former back to his place for [REDACTED]. And boy, do they [REDACTED] all over the [REDACTED] and then Scott [REDACTED] on Kip’s [REDACTED] while knockoff Bonobo music played in the background. [REDACTED]. Two things stood out, besides the mating display: the restaurant/hotel at which Kip works looks like the one in “Fight Club,” so much so that you expect to see a young Brad Pitt pissing in the crab bisque; and Scott’s apartment looks almost exactly like Rozanov’s apartment, to the point that I think it might be the same set. They spent all the show’s budget on oil for Ilya’s abs and then had to cheap out with set design. I understand. It was at this point I came to the realization – Kip looks like Seth Rogen, just a little bit.
When Scott awakes, Kip is in the kitchen making – what else? – a smoothie! At this point, Scott asks Kip to move in, and we hit a nice little time-lapse/montage of Kip doing just that. But Scott isn’t out to anyone, and a scene at an art gallery where he pretends not to know Kip cements that fact. Kip has a heart-to-heart with his smoothie shop coworker (while John Maus, of all people, plays in the background) and the relationship craters after Scott declines to come to Kip’s birthday party at a gay bar.
Episode 3 is fine – Rozanov and Hollander make cameos in their own show, and my girlfriend waxed poetic about missing the “enemies to lovers” dynamic. This review is unconscionably late; I apologize. I recently learned to make Old Fashioneds and I started rewatching “Succession” so I’ve been wasting a lot of time lately. Thank you to my loyal readers.
Jacob Hersh was born and raised in Anchorage. He is currently studying law at the University of Idaho. He occasionally does movie reviews and writes weird columns for the Landmine to get extra money for beer.