Humor, Satire, and Parody

Anchorage Assembly votes to rename Hotel Captain Cook

Following their decision to change the 50-year-old Anchorage seal, the Assembly took a second vote to rename the iconic Hotel Captain Cook, located in downtown Anchorage.

“Today represents a new dawn here in Anchorage,” Assembly Chair Christopher Constant told reporters after the vote. “Anchorage residents know that decolonizing our downtown spaces is the most important task of city government. How can we combat crime, plow roads, or solve homelessness in the shadow of this towering orange obelisk of colonial oppression?”

Prior to the vote, the Assembly created a survey for Anchorage residents asking them about the renaming. 98% of respondents voted to keep the existing name of the historic hotel, with some voicing confusion about the Assembly’s authority to rename a private business. But Constant was not dissuaded.

“When we throw out the results that we don’t agree with,” he explained, “100% of the remaining results agree that the old name had to go.”

“Today is a new dawn,” Constant added.

Assembly member Yarrow Silvers praised the decision but said it was only the beginning. “This is great work we’ve done — such great work — but much is left. Next will be to rename Cook Inlet itself, then the Cook Inlet Historical Society, and the Cook Inlet Soccer Club. Then there’s also Metro Cooks, in midtown. It’s everywhere! Why, just yesterday I was watching TV and came across the Cooking Channel. It made me uncomfortable, if I’m being honest with you,” Silvers told the Landmine. “And my discomfort is more important than your history.”

Assembly Member Daniel Volland told the Landmine that they still had not picked out a new name for the hotel, but that many options were on the table. He said that the Assembly had borrowed a Dena’ina dictionary and would likely pick a few words at random. “The meaning of the words doesn’t matter,” said Volland, “what matters is decentering colonial narratives. Even the word ‘Captain,’ it implies hierarchy. Very western. It centers oppression and fills me with guilt. It all has to go.”

The day after the vote, Assembly members gathered to begin painting an indigenous motif on the exterior of the hotel formerly known as the Captain Cook. Municipal crews rushed to erect scaffolding as confused hotel guests walked in and out of the building. However, before the painting could begin a group of intoxicated vagrants began harassing Assembly members, who fled through the hotel before hastily retreating toward City Hall.

“We’ll be back!” yelled Constant, “Today is a new dawn!”

Subscribe
Notify of

15 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Tom tom
19 hours ago

RIP in Hawaii in

D Crombie
19 hours ago

Stupidest waste of time I’ve seen and means absolutely nothing.

Painted pony
17 hours ago

Love it.

Fred Flintstone
3 hours ago
Reply to  Painted pony

LIB go back to sleep

Scott Clemetson
15 hours ago

How encouraging! I’m sure their next step will be a relevant move to get a handle on the vagrancy and crime crisis, oh and it’s sure nice how they care about what we think.

Angela Ramirez
15 hours ago

Awesome go work for The Onion

William riley
14 hours ago

The assembly are a bunch of lib idiots !!!

Linda
10 hours ago

Why take or play with History. It will always be Captain Cook!,

Ben T
6 hours ago

For those commenting with anger let me help you out. Look at the top of page. It says this is satire. For the slow ones, that means this is a joke.

Painted pony
2 hours ago
Reply to  Ben T

What he said. Good grief people.

Bonita
3 hours ago

This has to be a bunch of crap. They have no authority to do this.

Vonna Husby
3 hours ago

Waste of time and money! Democrats are good at that!

Beth Merrill-Bauer
3 hours ago

Silvers has a problem with “The Cooking Channel?” With the wonderful midtown store Metro Cooks?!!? Why? That channel, that store are about COOKING FOOD!! I’m curious to know what Silvers calls cooking in her home?!? FYI: There is a BIG difference between cooking & baking in case you didn’t know Silvers. Wondering why we have a profound lack of intelligence AND historical knowledge on our city council. Can we impeach council members?!?

Joeseph King
1 hour ago

Seems more than a few “Whoosh” right over the head in these comments!

pete
39 seconds ago

oh come on!