Ask a cat is an advice column featured in the Alaska Landmine. Impending Valentine’s Day doom? Pesky coworker dilemma? Political blathering? Don’t be shy, friends of the feline! Submit your questions for the Cat anonymously here or e-mail askacat@alaskalandmine.com.

Dear Cat,

I find myself in a long distance relationship. Although it started long distance, I didn’t think either of us intended to keep it that way forever. At this point my boyfriend seems content to never live in the same place, but otherwise our relationship hasn’t changed in any bad ways. I love him and he’s a great guy, but I’m starting to think long distance isn’t enough for me.

Dear Human,

My kitty instinct tells me that you have likely started to outgrow this relationship. While living in different places seems to work for some, often it is with the understanding that it won’t be fur-ever. Since you say that otherwise things are going well with Boyfriend, Cat wonders what has recently changed for you. What about your needs has evolved? Is your boyfriend aware that this aspect of your relationship is no longer working for you? After you take some time to ponder these questions on your own, I encourage you to FaceTime Boyfriend and let him in on how you’re feeling. It’s possible that when he learns this is an issue for you, he might be open to changing it. If he is content and you are not, it’s time to move on.

Yes, Cat is simplifying matters, but in the end that is what it comes down to. Even if a relationship is loving and fulfills some of our needs, that doesn’t mean it has to last forever. Cat encourages you not to compromise on a topic as crucial as distance. 

Dear Cat,

What does Cat think about the white raven that has taken up residence in midtown?

Dear Human:

I think the white raven would pair nicely with a Sauvignon Blanc or Chardonnay and would be nicely complemented by a mushroom fennel sauce. 

I jest, dear readers! Cat does realize the locals have taken a shine to this creature, and I myself have found old Snowflake to be good company. Cat has heard rumors that Snowflake is actually a high-tech surveillance device placed by the government to monitor local residents and somehow control their thoughts using 5G. Cat has it on good authority that this new resident is actually just a bit pale and doesn’t have any such powers. Cat implores you to admire and enjoy the novelty of their presence, but to give Snowflake plenty of personal space. 

Dear Cat,

Valentine’s Day is coming and I already know I’m going to disappoint my girlfriend. I’ve gotten her flowers and chocolate before in the last two years, but she doesn’t  think those are thoughtful. I’m inclined to just not get her anything this year, but I know better! What should I get her?

Dear Human,

Get her the gift of a thoughtful partner. 

You are correct about one thing; it would be erroneous to not get her anything at all. Let’s discuss. Cat wonders how you have managed to half-ass your relationship for so long. I want to believe you have other redeeming qualities, and surely this is not reflective of other ways you care for your girlfriend. Some people find the concept of “love languages” helpful when it comes to discerning what a meaningful gift will be for their partner. Cat thinks the system is helpful, but not purrfect. Start your journey by giving it a Google. Think about what your resources are for determining what a thoughtful gift for her will be. If you are truly bewildered, consider her hobbies, how she likes to spend her free time, and generally what she has strong opinions about.

Cat doesn’t even necessarily think that flowers and chocolate are bad gifts, but even a gesture like that is best when tailored to the specific person. Things to consider might be the flower representing her birth month or chocolates that come from a store located in her favorite vacation town (order early!) Should your relationship continue, those are ideas to keep in your back pocket. This year is probably not the year for a repeat of flowers and chocolate. After you come up with a thoughtful gift (following my advice,) write her a card and explain why these things represent your love and care for her. If you absolutely cannot muster an idea from your own little mind, reach out to her best friend, mom, or favorite coworker. Cat does not condone having someone else do your brainstorming for you, but if you are making an honest effort, this will be a step in the right direction. 

Catemplations:

Are we so self-involved that we do not really know the ones we love? Or are you humans just a bit lazy? Cat thinks it is a little bit of both. As Valentine’s day fast approaches, plan ahead to avoid the dog house. 🐾