One day after U.S. President Donald Trump announced that he will meet Russian President Vladimir Putin in Alaska, the location has been revealed: the Driftwood hotel in Juneau. Most experts assumed the meeting would take place in Anchorage or Fairbanks, but it soon became apparent that hotel vacancy would be a major issue. 

“Every hotel in Alaska is fully booked,” the head of Trump’s advance team told the Landmine. “But we soon discovered that the Driftwood was 90% vacant. Like its namesake, the place seems a little washed up… but, hey, at least there are rooms available.”

Reached by satellite phone, a spokesperson from Russia’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs told the Landmine, “We have researched this Driftwood hotel and read the reports of dark, smelly rooms, old leaking pipes, and owner who abuse women. We even see that owner is publicly accused of secretly drugging woman. Many of us grew up during collapse of USSR, and we believe we will feel right at home. This location could be very nostalgic and comfortable for us.”

Once a Juneau icon and often booked out far in advance, the Driftwood has floundered under new ownership in recent years.

“We want to thank President Richard J. Peterson for the way he’s run the Driftwood,” a Trump administration spokesperson told the Landmine. “While some might see piss-poor management, and others might see piss-stained carpets, what we see is the possibility for a major diplomatic breakthrough and the possibility of a brighter tomorrow.”