Humor, Satire, and Parody

Tammie Wilson, Colleen Sullivan-Leonard to fight in UFC style cage match

After a tense moment in the House Finance Committee between Representative Tammie Wilson (R – North Pole) and Representative Colleen Sullivan-Leonard (R – Wasilla), and after all attempts at diplomacy have gone down in flames, the two have agreed to a UFC style cage match to settle their differences. The match will be held in Downtown Juneau. Due to a lack of available state funds, tickets will be $500 and deposited directly into the General Fund.

Wilson will be featured as “Tammie the Terminator,” while Sullivan-Leonard has been dubbed “Colleen the Crucifier.” Under the terms of the agreement, each will get one fellow representative, as well as one senator to tag in at any point. Sullivan-Leonard has chosen the Valley Davids, Representative David Eastman (R – Wasilla) and Senator David Wilson (R – Wasilla). Wilson has gone with Representative Neal “Babyface” Foster (D – Nome) and Senator John “the Enforcer” Coghill (R – North Pole).

When asked what he thought, Speaker Bryce Edgmon (I – Dillingham) said, “I have no comment other than those two need to work out their issues. If fighting in the cage will allow them to settle their differences, I’m not going to stop it. It couldn’t be worse than what we went through to get a majority.” Edgmon has still not decided if he will ref the match, although he appeared more interested when he learned that Eastman will be involved.

Wilson insisted on being able to use her gavel as a weapon. Sullivan-Leonard reluctantly agreed, but only if she could use a mace or Bible.

Bets have already started around the Capitol. Sullivan-Leonard is currently favored at 2-1. Senator Scott “the Bookie” Kawasaki (D – Fairbanks), is taking bets under his book. Kawasaki said, “You know, if it was just Tammie the Terminator vs. Colleen the Crucifier, it would probably be closer to even money. Tammie would probably be slightly favored. But the Valley Davids are a game changer. Eastman constantly reminds everyone about all that military training he’s had, and we all know David Wilson has a strong slapping game, and isn’t afraid to throw down and fight dirty. I’m not sure if Foster has ever been in a fight and Coghill is pushing 70, and will probably ‘turn the other cheek.’ Regardless, I can’t remember the last time I’ve taken this many bets on a fight.”

Former Representative Lynn Gattis was seen leaving the negotiation meeting very upset that she will not be able to participate in the match. Gattis was heard yelling while leaving the Capitol, “It’s bullshit I can’t be in the cage! Tammie needs me in the cage as much as she does in the Finance Committee.”

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Trista Crass
4 years ago

Fake news no one on Earth would choose Representative “Rat Puke” Eastman for anything ?‍♀️

wharton whiner
4 years ago

this is quality content

Jane Pierson
4 years ago

Jeff, I always thought mud wrestling would be the venue.