In a surprising move earlier today, Anchorage Mayor Dave Bronson announced the appointment of 16-time failed candidate Dustin Darden to head Anchorage Water and Wastewater Utility (AWWU). The appointment came just a day after the revelation that Bronson had attempted to halt the fluoridation of the municipal water supply in October.
Bronson told the Landmine, “From the moment I saw Dustin Darden’s crude handmade campaign signs saying ‘get the fluoride out the water,’ I thought hey, here’s a thought leader. Here’s a man who is passionate about our community’s water supply. And as a pilot, let me tell you, I know water. I’ve flown above all kinds of water, water like you wouldn’t believe. Dustin Darden and I share the same love of water. We love good, healthy water. Water that will not pollute our community’s precious, precious bodily fluids with dangerous toxic fluoride.”
At an afternoon press conference, Darden announced that after analyzing results of several sophisticated experiments conducted on Facebook, the administration had decided to replace the fluoride added to the water supply with the antiparasitic drug Ivermectin. Darden stated that he and Bronson had already stuck a deal with Big Bob’s Bulk Ranch and Livestock Feed Supply in Middletown, Ohio to supply the large quantities of Ivermectin needed to adequately dose the municipality’s water. Darden then read from the Book of Revelation for thirty minutes and concluded by attempting a citizens’ arrest of several public officials present at the press conference.
In an inquiry to the Bronson administration about Darden’s sudden and unexplained appointment, spokesperson Corey Allen Young initially replied, “This is false. This did not happen.” Later, Young admitted that Darden had in fact been appointed to head AWWU. “Sike!” Young told the Landmine, “I just remembered that I was in the room when Darden was appointed. But then I entered a fugue state and forgot the whole thing. Crazy, right? Haha.”