According to a letter leaked to the Alaska Landmine, Governor Mike Dunleavy (R – Alaska) and all all but one member of the Alaska Legislature have sent a letter to Russian President Vladimir Putin requesting that he expand his invasion of Ukraine to other European countries in order to raise the price of oil and help fix Alaska’s soaring budget deficit.
Representative David Eastman (R – Wasilla), the only legislator who did not sign the letter, told the Landmine, “Why break precedent?”
The letter asks Putin to “initiate a brief but intense campaign of terror and destruction, preferably targeting oil and gas infrastructure, and preferably in a country that most Americans couldn’t point to on a map.”
The full text of the letter is as follows:
Здравствуйте, товарищ Путин.
As head of a fellow petrostate, you can appreciate that Alaska’s budget is highly reliant on the price of oil. We are writing to ask for your help.
After your invasion of Ukraine on February 24, 2022, global instability caused the price of oil to skyrocket. Due to Alaska’s massive revenue windfall, we we were able to pay each qualifying resident a $3,200 dividend, pass a jammed-up capital budget, and even stash away a little cash. This came after a decade of deficits, which nearly depleted our savings accounts. It also occurred during an election year, which was a huge bonus as Governor Dunleavy and and all but one of Alaska’s 60 legislators were up for re-election. Governor Dunleavy became the first Alaska governor re-elected since 1998! So first off, thank you for that.
However, in recent months the price of oil has significantly declined. Mr. Putin, I’m sure you can understand that these lower oil prices have put us in a precarious situation. The pressure to increase education and retirement spending, as well as pay out a big dividend, coupled with an already existing deficit and little savings, have put us in a position where we once again need to be bailed out by high oil prices. We also just received substantial pay raises, so we need to make sure we can cover that, too. You know how it goes.
Here is what we are asking for: initiate a brief but intense campaign of terror and destruction, preferably targeting oil and gas infrastructure, and preferably in a country that most Americans couldn’t point to on a map. You could start by amassing mobilized conscripts near the border. They don’t need any training, just make them look kind of depraved. We feel this alone will immediately impact oil prices. Another idea: should you “accidentally” lob a few conventional missiles into a NATO country (Poland or Estonia perhaps?), oil prices will really move in a positive direction.
We know this is a big ask, but our only other option is to increase existing taxes, add new taxes, or pay out a smaller dividend. And we really don’t want to do that. Our voters will go ballistic. And in a democracy, ballistic missiles are better than ballistic voters. Trust us.
If you can accommodate our request, we would be open to talking about allowing you to annex a small portion of our state. We look forward to hearing back.
Governor Mike Dunleavy and the Alaska Legislature (David Eastman excluded)