After months of contentious public debate about the proposed Holtan Hills housing development, the Girdwood Board of Supervisors voted unanimously to create a caste system for those living and working in Girdwood. At a packed meeting of the Anchorage Assembly on Tuesday, Girdwood residents and Board staff showed up en masse in support of the new caste system.
“We support equal rights, of course. We’re not anti-equal-rights,” explained Board president Vin VonKonnigsberg, standing at the podium to address the Assembly. “But right now in Girdwood, it’s just the wrong place at the wrong time for that. A rigid, strictly-enforced hereditary caste system is the only way to preserve our community’s Historic Character and Way of Life for Future Generations.”
VonKonnigsberg, who lives in Park Slope, Utah, but owns four single-family homes and eight AirBNBs in Girdwood, explained that the new Girdwood Community-Conscious Caste System will involve three tiers. On the top, the “Übermeister Caste” will be comprised of current landed owners of single-family Girdwood housing. Übermeisters, according to VonKonnigsberg, will have the right to own and accumulate unlimited amounts of property, and may rent any properties out either long-term or as AirBNBs to visitors without restriction.
“Pretty easy to tell who is Übermeister,” VonKonnigsberg stated, “We’re your long-time Girdwood residents who have lived or owned vacation homes here in our beloved community for at least three years. Most of our names have ‘Vin’ or ‘Van’ or ‘Von’ in them. We wear Scandinavian sweaters and drive ten-year-old Subarus even though most of us are multimillionaires.”
Below that, VonKonnigsberg stated, a Valued Worker Caste will be allowed to rent housing from Übermeisters and work in Girdwood, but may not buy properties, cut trees, or advocate for any new development. Those who break rules can face public whipping in the Mercantile parking lot or demotion to the lowest caste: the Ünterdesirables, primarily made up of those who live in Anchorage but visit Girdwood to recreate, or to buy pottery or weed.
“Ünterdesirables are the root of our problems,” VonKonnigsberg said, his voice shaking with anger. “They want what we have, and we cannot have that. They bring wrong values and incorrect ways of life into our community. Unless renting an AirBNB from an Übermeister, Ünterdesirables must leave Girdwood every night before midnight. Those caught out past that time, or caught attempting to purchase land or housing in our community, will be hung by the neck at the skate park until dead, and their bodies cast into the woods to be scavenged by bears. We have a pretty big bear problem in this community.”
“It is really quite bad, the bears,” he added.
Members of the Anchorage Assembly appeared troubled by the imposition of a brutal medieval caste system within the municipality, and asked whether the Girdwood community had attempted solve any of its problems with less drastic measures.
“Nein,” stated VonKonnigsberg emphatically, “There are no other options. We will commission studies and form boards, of course, but naturally this will take many, many years. For now, our Community-Conscious Caste System is the only way to protect Girdwood from ruin. For our Children.”
The packed Anchorage Assembly chambers erupted in cheers. Attendees performed enthusiastic jazz hands, and waved signs reading “Save Girdwood,” “Caste System NOW!”, and “Keep other members of the Anchorage municipality out of our particular part of the Anchorage municipality.”
“Also this isn’t a race thing,” VonKonnigsberg added hastily before leaving the podium, “This is Girdwood. Look around. We’re pretty much all white.”