Humor, Satire, and Parody

Following relentless rumblings, Anchorage Assembly mulls city name change

Subsequent to a nerve-rattling 7.0 magnitude earthquake followed by more than 2,000 aftershocks, Assemblymember Christopher Constant announced that he will introduce a charter amendment changing the name of the Municipality of Anchorage to the “Township of Aftershock” at Tuesday’s regular Assembly meeting.

Constant was reached by phone for comment as he was travelling southbound on Minnesota Drive headed to Adak for a weekend getaway. He said, “The earthquake and, even more so, the subsequent aftershocks have become a seminal event in our city’s history. It is part of who we are now.” He added, “The name Anchorage refers to the port, which marginalizes the rest of the non-port community. Aftershock is a fully inclusive name.”

During an Assembly work session, Assemblymember Forrest Dunbar was initially concerned about the name change, citing possible legal challenges from “the popular alcoholic beverage of the same name.” He immediately added, “Not that I would know. I have never tried it.”  Dunbar’s concerns were quickly alleviated when Assemblymember Felix Rivera explained that Aftershock is no longer a popular drink, although he wishes it still was. Rivera added, “If this name change happens we should look into partnering with the maker of Aftershock so I can begin to enjoy the tasty cinnamon liqeuer like I used to.”

When asked for comment, Assemblymember Traini stated, “This reminds me of this one time after dinner with Tom Fink, George Sullivan, and Tony Knowles thirty years ago, where we were shocked to learn that…” at which point everybody stopped listening.

Other ideas for the name change included Earthquakeland, Quakeville, Shakey Town, Rumbletopia, Tremoropolis and just simply “Hell.” However, a consensus was quickly formed amongst the group that the succinct and simple “Township of Aftershock” was the way to go.

The Assembly will start taking public comment on the name change at Tuesday’s Assembly meeting immediately following the newly added Assembly meeting duck and cover drill.

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5 years ago

For heaven’s sake, leave the city name alone. There are way more important things to spend time on. This is a total waste of resources.

5 years ago
Reply to  Caren

Like learning the definition of “satire.”

John Weddleton
5 years ago

Not a word about the 12 amendments I proposed?

Tom McGrath
5 years ago

Does this mean that we are never going to change the name of Anchorage to Spenard?

Andy Holleman
5 years ago
Reply to  Tom McGrath

Isn’t Spenard really more of a concept now than a real place??

carolyn clift
5 years ago

The wisdom of this proposal makes us tremble with anticipation.

Jlynn 0lmstead
5 years ago

Someone just woke up from “APRIL FOOLS DAY”.