Humor, Satire, and Parody

DOJ charges Anchorage men for smuggling PEZ candies and Pogs to North Korea

Two South Korean-born American citizens have been charged by the Department of Justice for attempting to smuggle PEZ candies and Pogs to North Korea. In a sweeping indictment, the U.S. Attorney for Alaska charged the two men with two dozen crimes ranging from smuggling to money laundering to sanctions evasion. The two men now face over 100 years each in federal prison.

“We put our best people on this,” U.S. Attorney Lane Tucker said in a press statement. “These foreign-born Americans were providing critical material support to the North Korean regime in violation of federal law, and we spared no expense at taking down this major international criminal conspiracy.”

Asked by reporters how candies and small, colorful cardboard discs would aid the North Korean regime, Reagan Zimmerman, a spokesperson for the U.S. Attorney said, “Look, who knows what those crafty North Koreans could make with our American-made sweets and children’s toys. Bombs, maybe?”

The charges were filed after the FBI, DEA, ATF, and several other federal agencies conducted a pre-dawn raid of the home of the two Korean-American men. The raid involved over fifty federal officers, including multiple K-9 units and three armored personnel carriers. Agents did not retrieve any weapons, but did seize over $5 of PEZ candies and dispensers and $12.50 of Pogs.

Reached in jail pending his release on bail, one of the men charged stated, “My uncle still lives in North Korea. We were just trying to get him some things for his kids. Life is pretty rough there. I know we shouldn’t have tried to send them this stuff, but we just thought the federal government had better things to do.”

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