Ask a cat is an advice column featured in the Alaska Landmine. Have a question for the Cat? Email askacat@alaskalandmine.com or click here to submit via a form (anonymous) to get the answers to any of life’s problems.

Dear Cat,

Lately I’ve been feeling like every time one of my friends whines to me about something in their life, I know how they can fix it. It seems pretty obvious to me when someone is doing something that is making them sick or upset. It’s starting to irritate me because I’m not a genius, these seem like basic adult skills. So I’m asking the Cat… should I dole out advice or just keep my mouth shut?

Dear Human,

This is pretty simple, if handled gracefully. If you aren’t already able to discern what your friend needs in the moment, just ask. As has been championed by many advice givers before me: sometimes people want advice, and sometimes they just want to be heard. Cat sees this occasionally, humans just writing in to vent and not actually seeking my wisdom. If your friend requests advice, Cat still warns you to tread lightly. Depending on how sensitive the topic is, Cat encourages you to keep your advice basic.

Cat can also attest to the fact that even though sometimes humans will specifically ask for advice, they don’t always take it, and you ought not to feel slighted by that. Your ideas may help them solidify their own, or they may inspire a change. If your friend is just looking to vent, make sure to ask yourself how available you are for that. Occasional venting is ok, but a good friend will not constantly burden you with being their sounding board. 

Dear Cat,

My neighbor walks his dog every morning and almost everyday without fail by the time the mutt gets my front lawn, he’s ready to take his daily shit. The neighbor does bag it up, but regardless, I don’t want him crapping on my grass. We all know its not a perfect clean-up. I don’t have a dog, I don’t want a dog, I don’t care if other people have dogs, and I don’t even dislike dogs. I just don’t want shit residue on my lawn. What can I do besides going out there and making myself look like a jerk?

Dear Human,

You’re not a jerk. Only other dogs want to be in proximity to dog shit/residue. The obvious answer is to pop your head out the door one morning and simply ask your neighbor not to let Fido poop on your grass. You might preface it with the fact that you’re glad he always cleans it up, but that you’re still not ok with it. Cat senses that you would purrfer to solve this problem from a distance, without having to confront your neighbor.

Your best bet may be to try a deterrent that steers this dog away from your grass. There are natural deterrents like citronella oil, cayenne pepper, or vinegar that may work, or products that be easily acquired to spray around the perimeter of your grass. Be mindful not to overdo it, lest you damage your lawn. Other options include passive aggressive signage, ultrasonic pet deterrents, motion activated sprinklers, and stewing in your own bitterness and irritation. Cat wishes you the best of luck in your endeavor.

Dear Cat,

My sister owes me an apology. A few months ago she made some really rude and critical comments about my parenting style to our mom. I was helping my mom update her phone when I read the things she said. Basically, her and I disagree strongly on some basic parenting styles/choices. I don’t try to impose my beliefs on how she raises her son, even though I think she’s basically setting him up for issues later in life. My daughters are healthy and well adjusted. I finally brought it up with her, and I was berated for reading texts she didn’t intend for me to see, and now we are barely talking. We were never that close, but I think if she apologized we could reconcile and at least have a nice friendly relationship for the sake of the rest of the family. Speaking of, the rest of the family (mom/dad/older brother) refuse to take sides/weigh. What do you think?

Dear Human,

You don’t really indicate any specifics as to what exactly you two are fussing over, so Cat cannot shed any logic on if you even necessarily deserve an apology based on you and sisters opposing opinions. Regardless, I will do my best to advise. It’s an interesting thing when humans feel they are owed an apology. Clearly the context is even more tricky because you gleaned the offensive information in a manner that was a bit sneaky. Updating a phone does not require reading purrsonal texts, to Cat’s knowledge. So, you snooped around and found out something that hurt your feelings. Should your sister have been saying rude things about you to your Mom? Maybe not. Should you have been reading their private messages? No.

If we knew every critical thing everyone thought about us on any given day, it would be hard not to hold a grudge against nearly everyone in our lives at one time or another. You are not obligated to forgive your sister and resume some sort of relationship, but Cat wonders if her transgression is really something worth holding on to. Have you ever been in her shoes? Are you blameless when it comes to venting about someone to another? Cat isn’t suggesting you allow a hyper critical and toxic person to be part of your everyday life, but what I am suggesting is that you see if you can forgive your sister in the absence of an actual apology. Waiting on the other person to come to the realization that you are “right” is a losing game and gives the other person the power to dictate your feelings.

Weekly Whisker Wonders:

Can you be satisfied with a false apology? Cat urges you to consider: Who are you demanding repentance from? Instead, do you need to look in the mirror and take responsibility for your own healing and feeling? Cat says a proclamation of regret and apology is nothing if it is not genuine. 🐾