Ask a cat is an advice column featured in the Alaska Landmine. Have a question for the Cat? Email askacat@alaskalandmine.com or click here to submit via a form (anonymous) to get the answers to any of life’s problems.

Dear Cat,

I recently reconnected with an ex-boyfriend, and it feels like I’m playing a game of cat-and-mouse (pun intended). He seems to be pursuing me one minute, but the next, he doesn’t return my texts for three days. I want him to pursue me consistently, but he’s not. How can I figure out if he’s even interested in getting back together?

Signed, Mouse

Dear Human Mouse,

You can figure out if he’s interested in getting back together by reading the following: he is not.

Cat advises you to skitter away from this human. Quickly.

If you take a step back, Cat suspects you will see a few things clearly… but just in case, Cat will help you. Let’s begin with the fact that this is an ex-boyfriend. I recommend you meditate on the reasons this relationship is no longer, and bring them to the forefront of your memory. Cat understands that sometimes it feels good to have the attention of a former lover, even if we know better. Humans get that warm fuzzy feeling from knowing someone else is thinking about them. Cat believes it is particularly nefarious that this man is dangling attention in your face and then pulling it away. This game is about control and boredom – you clearly deserve more from a partner.

Don’t blame yourself for partaking in this exchange, but do learn from it. It is a very human thing to do, and just a reminder that this is not the type of interaction you want for your romantic life. Cat knows there is a lovely human out there that would be delighted to text you regularly and not have you identify as a small rodent. You deserve authentic connection, not just sporadic attention from a fickle foxhound.

Dear Cat,

I follow a lot of distant acquaintances, like most of us do, on social media. Recently I saw a girl tagged in a friend-of-a-friends post that I thought was cute. This lady and I have a few friends in common, but we haven’t ever actually come across each other (surprisingly, in this small town.) I kind of want to slide into her DMs but our friend-of-a-friend connection is friends with my ex, I don’t know them otherwise. Should I leave it or take a chance and send her a message?

Dear Human,

Cat thinks the simple answer is that there is probably no harm in sending this lady a message. That being said, do yourself (and her) a favor and don’t make it weird. Do an obligatory glance around her socials to see if she is already has an obvious partner, and if you two may have anything in common. Cat advises you not to slide into her DMs with anything inappropriate or too forward. If possible, you could message  her about one of her most recent posts (e.g. ask if she recommends that recent vacation locale, or how the ahi was at that new seafood spot.) If she doesn’t post often, you could offer a simple compliment about the mutual friend (e.g. Kelly always puts together the best game nights, how’d it go?)

Cat advises you to be as breezy as possible and to accept that this gal may not be interested. It’s ok to ask, it’s not ok to make her uncomfortable if she declines.

As fur the element regarding your ex, Cat advises you to consider how things ended. If it was a traumatic and complicated recent break up, then Cat thinks purrhaps it may not be a good idea to get too close to that social circle right now. On the other hand, you went this long without running into this person, so that may be a non-issue.

Please keep Cat in the loop should there be romantic developments.

Dear Furr-riend,

As a cat, you have an innate knowledge of how your fellow felines react to love from their humans. Lately, my pet cat taken to resting on my chest when I am trying to nap and batting at imaginary things on my shoulder. I can’t figure out for the life of me what is going on! What is happening here?

TYIA, Kevin in Koyukuk

Dear Human Kevin,

Your feline friend has senses far beyond that of your own. Purrhaps your cat senses you are in need of nurturing, and that is why they are napping upon your chest. As for the batting at your shoulder, Cat suspects it could be a myriad of things. Maybe your cat is giving you consolation pats. Have you been especially tragic lately? It is possible they sense some distress. It is also conceivable your feline is just batting at stray dandruff flakes or ghosts. 

Cat Facts ™️

Dear Humans: Cat gets lot of inquiries that Cat isn’t terribly qualified to answer, but you humans seem so distraught, Cat would be happy to make something up to soothe you. Recently a human asked Cat if state legislators deserve a significant pay raise, as has recently been discussed in local news. Human wants to know if Cat feels this is excessive, given that human is an educator and only receives a 2% raise each year. Cat advises human to take comfort in knowing they are doing meaningful work, and in general encourages all to not be overly concerned with what kind of money other people make. Cat finds humans to be somewhat preoccupied with the concept of fairness. Cat strongly reminds you that this is an idea that is revered in theory but generally never promised. If money is all you seek, there are certainly careers that provide that. Cat suggests that it is better to purrform meaningful work than to derive meaning from money.🐾