Ask a cat is an advice column featured in the Alaska Landmine. Have a question for the Cat? Don’t be shy, you can submit anonymously here or e-mail askacat@alaskalandmine.com and Cat will do their best to guide/judge you.
Dear Cat,
What should a guy get the other half of his situationship for Christmas? She’s hard to shop for.
Dear Human,
How about the balls and/or decency of defining the relationship?
But no really, Cat shouldn’t make assumptions. I will do my best to be helpful. Choosing a Christmas gift for a woman you are unable to fully commit to involves considering her interests, preferences, and yes, the nature of your “relationship.” Here are some general ideas for your last-minute holiday shopping adventures: Consider a personalized gift. Nothing says “I tolerate you when I am lonely and desire physical affection” like a monogrammed journal she can air her grievances to. How about an experiential gift? Little else proclaims “I didn’t have more important plans this Tuesday night” like renting out a movie theater for the two of you to sit awkwardly in while the new Wonka movie plays and life choices are questioned. Lastly, consider a DIY gift. Cat hears that a woman swoons for a mixtape or an interpretive dance. Remember, it’s the thought and effort you put into selecting her gift that will really relay the sentiment of half-assing a commitment this holiday season.
Dear Cat,
Who does Cat predict will win the next presidential election?
Dear Human,
As Cat has indicated many times before, for some reason I do not currently having voting rights in this country. While I don’t have the ability to predict the outcome of future political elections, Cat supports any candidate who advocates for feline rights. As one might infer, Cats do not appreciate being harassed or otherwise “grabbed.” Cat can easily predict that there will be much drama, grumbling, mudslinging, and general jack-assery in the year to come regarding this topic.
Although there are some worthy independent candidates this year, Cat is of the belief that it will, purr usual, come down to one of just two candidates. After we all do our best to keep our kibble down after witnessing the inevitable nightmare that will be each presidential campaign, Cat suspects that Biden will serve another term. Although Trump’s henchmen often caterwaul the loudest, Cat suspects that they do not represent enough of the majority to merit another Trump presidency. But what do I know? I’m just a Cat.
Dear Cat,
I recently went to a work conference in another state. I spent three days straight working with a woman who has a similar job to me (but in a different state.) We exchanged phone numbers because we had dinner a couple times while I was there. Now that I’m home she won’t stop texting me. We were friendly at the conference, but honestly I don’t think I would pick her as a friend in my normal life. I feel bad that I’m not sending her messages, just replying to the ones she sends me. How can I get her to cool it and leave me alone?
Dear Human,
Cat empathizes with the burden of being so terribly popular and well loved. It is a harsh reality that we must set boundaries and intentionally share our time with those we truly deem worthy.
That being said, Cat thinks the best way to handle this situation is with a simple and non-dramatic slow fade. To be clear, this is not Cat advocating ghosting. This can be done delicately and without the need to be confrontational and cause unnecessary discomfort for either party. Begin by limiting your responses. No need to be unfriendly at this point, just a quick response to whatever meme she has sent your way and purrhaps a cursory comment about how busy you have been or how you’ve made it a goal to step away from your phone more often. A comment in passing that puts the onus on you for being less involved is both accurate and kind to your undesired “friend.”
Should this gal inquire as to your less engaged tone, you may have to more clearly own up to the fact that you are feeling overwhelmed and aren’t able to keep up the casual chats in the context of your normal life. Cat suspects that in time, she will naturally stop reaching out with frequency. Given that you two may someday end up at the same conference due to your shared career path, Cat recommends keeping things on friendly terms as long as she hasn’t crossed any boundaries that make you uncomfortable. Cat sends sorrows and prayers to you as you cope with the hardship of popularity and hopes you find solace soon.
Festive Feline Guidance:
The holidays are upon us. As humans gather to celebrate, self-reflect on not only who is a burden to you, but also who you burden. On that note, cheers and happy holidays from the Cat to each and every one of my devoted fans. 🐾