Not sure what to do with your life? Need an all knowing and wise feline to guide you? E-mail askacat@alaskalandmine.com or, if you’re feeling shy, message anonymously here.

Dear Cat,

Is it true that our President, Donald Trump, has 8 lives left?

Dear Human,

Your former president barely has one. Cat will illuminate this in a way that hopefully even a purrticularly stubborn human might understand. All you humans, without exception, are bound by the immutable law of mortality. Cat sees this as a universal truth as reliable as dogs having bad breath and cats being the furry embodiment of perfection.

To take it a step further, Cat will make some assumptions and discourage you from placing your unwavering faith in Donald. It would be foolish to think he is a source of wisdom or leadership, given his obvious deficiencies. To be very clear: Cat is sure of one thing and it is that the human in question will eventually and permanently exit the stage as he contains not even a whisker of the feline magic needed to persevere for 8 additional lives. 

Dear Cat,

I moved into my home almost two years ago and I feel like I’m never going to actually get it cleaned up. What does Cat recommend I do to manage the mess I’ve made?

Dear Human,

Cats are notoriously fussy and clean, so you’ve queried the right creature. Since Cat doesn’t know the details of your situation, I’ll do my best to help you sort out your mess.

First: is your home actually dirty? Or is it just cluttered? Is organization also a problem? Cat thinks one of the things humans tend to get wrong is to entangle clutter and organization. Cat recommends starting with cleanliness. If you need to, invest in a cleaner to come in and give your kitchen, bathroom, and floors a good scrub.

Don’t make the mistake of going straight from cleaning to organization. Often this leads to precariously stacked clutter that is inaccessible and often immediately returns to its state of disarray. To tackle clutter, Cat strongly urges you to start smaller than you think you need to. If you think you want to deep clean and organize an office desk, start smaller! Choose a drawer: clean, declutter, and then organize.

Starting with tiny tasks (and keeping in mind that you can’t organize items that simply don’t fit in their allotted space) will set you up for success. Cat urges you not to be too hard on yourself – these are the purrpetual tasks of life and as soon as you accomplish one, there will always be another. Try to avoid turning your home into an insurmountable task and instead seek steady progress one small job at a time.  

Dear Cat,

Do you think childless cat ladies are as troublesome as a certain politician thinks they are?

Dear Human,

I may be biased, but I firmly believe cats and the community alike benefit from this particular type of human. Humor me and consider this Cat’s ode to the proverbial childless cat lady:

The childless cat lady, so refined,

With feline friends, her joys combined.

Who needs a kid when you’ve got a cat?

She likes personal space—imagine that!

In her career she soars unchained,

Free to choose the challenges sustained.

Her time’s her own, for hobbies and travel—

To Paris she goes, no laundry to unravel.

Pillar of the community, she gives and she cares,

Her time’s her own, to share how she dares.

Into her passions, she dives headlong,

Resilient, adaptable, and undeniably strong.

So here’s to this lady, so witty and bright,

With her cat by her side, a phenomenal sight.

She is deserving of all the praise and cheer,

Voter registration in hand, she’s something to fear.

Featured Feline:

Mondego likes long naps, laser pointers, and women who vote.

Cat Chat:

These past two weeks have been exceptionally turbulent. Purrhaps a long nap and a big stretch are in order. 🐾