Ask a cat is an advice column featured in the Alaska Landmine. Have a question for the Cat? Email askacat@alaskalandmine.com or click here to submit via a form (anonymous) to get the answers to any of life’s problems.

Dear Cat,

I had been dating someone seriously but about a week ago this person said they needed space to think about things. To me that means it’s over. The last thing in the world I want to do is to sit around waiting for someone to decide if I’m good enough. So I cut off all contact. ALL. Now I don’t have to worry about if they’re texting or not. Did I do the right thing?

Dear Human,

It sounds like you made a very clear and intentional decision. Cat wonders why you are second guessing it. Is it because you yourself are second guessing your choice, or because someone else is? Cat thinks it depends on what purrpetuated your former partner to need time to “think.” Was this due to a serious breach in trust (e.g. cheating) or did it come out of the blue? Cat wonders if at some point, for your own emotional needs, you will want to revisit communication with this person. If your former partner has a history of poor behavior and this feels like a means of manipulation to you, then Cat agrees that cutting off contact is wise.

Often in our modern life we have the burden of constant contact. Folks can see when you are online, know your email, can text you at all hours, and even our phone numbers and addresses are accessible via the Google. The reality is that if former partner wants to force contact, they can write you a letter or send a messenger pigeon your way. The important thing is that you feel empowered and confident in your choice. If you are not communicating with them, I hope you have someone to discuss your feelings and choices with that supports you emotionally. A good friend, a counselor, or trusted family member can help you suss out the purrtinent details as your feelings evolve.

Dear Cat,

I’m torn. Maybe you can help me figure out how to proceed. My younger (but grown/adult) brother visited recently. We are both parents – he’s married with a daughter and I’m a single mom to two girls. The problem is that even though objectively he has his life together (has a job, family is taken care of, is educated, etc.) his emotionally immaturity is driving me crazy. It honestly centers around what I think is his toxic masculine behavior. He acts like everything biologically related to women (especially periods/childbirth) is “gross” and something he shouldn’t have to know anything about. He is also one of those guys that says he is “babysitting” when he is spending time with his own kid alone. I don’t want my daughters seeing this as an example and I worry about my sister-in-law and niece. Should I try to have a conversation with him or just forget it and let him live his life?

Dear Human,

It is a tricky thing indeed to try to change another human. Cats themselves are very disinclined to do anything not perceived as their own idea.

Cat thinks that any direct attempt to alter brothers’ beliefs in this regard may be futile. The undoing of a lifetime of conditioning is more than one sister can bear. Cat’s best advice is to be a good example. Free yourself from the emotional burden of reparenting your own brother. Continue to raise your daughters with the values you hold dear. You can most directly influence your own children. If your brother displays an attitude or behavior around them that you fundamentally disagree with, consider it an opportunity for an open discussion with your girls to talk about what your family values are. While you cannot sway anyone’s beliefs to completely mirror your own, in the case of your own children you are very much in a position of persuasion. Unless your brother is putting your kids in the way of emotional or physical damage, Cat suspects that his presence will just provide contrast. There is value in your kids observing diversity in values, and it can even help uphold the ones you hope they will model in their own lives.

Dear Cat,

Hello oh wise feline! I have a life changing decision and it unsettles me. First let me tell you about me, I’m 52 and my five cats are my only children. About eight years ago my hair started falling out and I became depressed that I’d forever be alone. I accepted my small world of work and home and am now thankful for the daily joy and love I feel being so involved with my cats. Recently, a man has made his interest known. We worked on the same job 20 years ago. His wife passed from cancer last year so he’s okay with hair loss. We went on one date, and he wants to see me again. I do like him and I may not get another chance. I don’t know what to do… I’m completely happy with my life AS IS and I don’t want to give up any of my feline-time! I don’t think it’s possible to add another human without taking time from them? You see my dilemma?

Dear Human,

Cat appreciates your dedication to feline-kind, but Cat thinks you are getting ahead of yourself. While it’s tempting to scurry right into thoughts of the future, Cat kindly reminds you that you have only had one date with this gentlemen. In addition to that, it sounds like he is not terribly far out from having been in a very long-term relationship that likely ended with a lot of grief. In some ways, this should quell your worry. You are in no way obligated to forgo the things you love in your life to accommodate a new partner. The wisdom of getting older can be that a relationship between two consenting adults looks however those two people want it to. You are not obligated to live together, share time together every day, or give up anything you love for his sake.

Cat thinks this is a great opportunity to slowly cultivate a relationship and to do so on very intentional terms. Please also be very mindful not to get into the head space that this person is the only person that will want to date you (now or in the future.) Especially because you are so clear that you are happy with your current life, but also I get the sense you think you would be passing up on a rare opportunity. Cat assures you, there are plentiful humans on this planet. Side note: if it turns out he is allergic to cats, that is probably the universe’s way of warning you to steer clear. That being said, Cat wishes you best of luck in your new dating adventure.

Furiendly Reminder:

As you silly little humans celebrate your freedom this coming 4th of July, be mindful of comforting your furry friends. We dislike your raucous and noisy firework displays. Plan to provide compensatory kibble for your shenanigans. 🐾