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We Build Alaska

Ask a Cat: Cheating, coworkers, and love

Ask a cat is new advice column featured in the Alaska Landmine. Have a question for the Cat? Email to get the answers to any of life’s problems.

Dear Cat,

I started seeing a girl. She was cheating on her fiancé. Then she broke it off with him and we started dating. Now I find out she’s cheating on me with her ex. Please advise.

Dear Human,

Since you asked, I advise you to cut your losses. Hold on to your whiskers, these harsh truths might be hard to hear:

The way this Cat sees it, you’re a terrible fool. Cat can only assume with the limited information provided that you were caught up in passion and promises to be an accomplice to your girlfriend’s cheating in the first place. But, now you have found yourself in the shoes of her former fiancé. Placing blame may not be productive, but you are equally at fault as she. You are no prize for your next partner until you do the work on yourself and find out why you knowingly started a relationship with a person who already had a partner. Cat believes we cannot control other people’s decisions and are responsible to remedy the consequences of our choices. Purrhaps leave her and her ex to self-destruct while you concern yourself with your own journey of self-improvement.


Dear Cat, 

I rely on one of my coworkers for part of my job, but he is always procrastinating and making excuses for late work, which makes me look bad. He’s a bro at the office and everyone likes him. I don’t want to throw him under the bus but I don’t really know what else to do. What should I do?

Dear Human:

Humans, like cats, are tricky to motivate. I can often be coerced with a savory salmon flavored Greenie, but on occasion, my whims change, and I can’t be influenced for love or money. Or fish.

Perhaps your coworker needs a new means of motivation, or perhaps your expectations need to be lowered.

The fact of the matter is that some humans will always disappoint. Tigers don’t change their stripes, and people don’t generally change. That being said, Cat encourages you to self-reflect. Are you being clear about your expectations? Are you in a position to provide consequences? If not, reconsider how you see the situation. Or, go ahead and throw him under the bus. Just remember, even the most dysfunctional procrastinating tiger has a few redeeming stripes.


Dear Cat

When will I find true love?  

Dear Human,

While this cat finds solitude to be most satisfying, the answer to your query depends on the context. While I don’t know your preferences, I will do my best. On some level, even the scrappiest stray could someday be found by the cat lady of their dreams. This Cat suggests you start by loving yourself, thus you will never be without. I also encourage you to seek love in a warm sunspot, in a full bowl of kibble, and in the glorious stalking and murdering of household bugs and spiders.

Do what fills you with joy and love will follow. Stay well-groomed and enriched for your own sake, and the right cat lady may be just around the corner.


Cat chat/final thoughts for the week:

As I knocked my mail bag off the countertop this week and skittered through the contents, one reader desperately wanted to know “why are Democrats ruining this city?” Readers, I leave you with the simple wisdom that all humans are capable of being nefarious. This cat has no evidence to suggest one political affiliation has the monopoly on neglecting to clean the litter box.

The Cat was born and raised in Alaska. Cat enjoys kibble, naps, and telling humans how to live their lives. 

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1 year ago

This is precious. May we all find our cat ladies. Love it.

Terry Kelly
1 year ago
Reply to  Human


1 year ago

Dear Cat, I think my cat hates me. She pukes all over my house. She shreds my furniture. She terrorizes my dog. She brings birds and mice into my house (sometimes dead /dismembered 🤢). She hides under the couch and attacks my feet whenever I walk by (I’ve taken to wearing boots in the house to prevent severe lacerations to any part of my body from the shins down). She even peed on me while I was sleeping in my own bed! I have done everything a good cat owner can do to facilitate a healthy relationship with my cat.… Read more »

1 year ago
Reply to  Catowner

Dear Cat,
A poem about my x wifes missing cat.
Your cat is gone , but there is a logical reason, the coyotes were hungry, and cat was in season.

1 year ago

This cat has no evidence to suggest one political affiliation has the monopoly on neglecting to clean the litter box.

So much truth here. But it’s equally true that the most toxic turds in the current litter box belong to one party. At least for those who value 240-plus years of American values and tradition.