Humor, Satire, and Parody

Anchorage Mayor Dave Bronson declares December “ski or sled to work month”

At a sparsely-attended press conference on the Park Strip, Anchorage Mayor Dave Bronson announced that his office had declared December “ski or sled to work month.” According to Bronson, roads and sidewalks will be minimally plowed or remain buried under giant snowdrifts in order to encourage residents to engage in healthier forms of wintertime transportation.

“We saw this coming,” said Bronson, who appeared to be wearing a Norwegian sweater and a wool cap with a festive pom. “We knew about, you know, snow. Of course we knew it would snow. This is Anchorage. Who couldn’t know about the snow? So this was all intentional. We just want Anchorage residents to be healthy so we planned this out way in advance.”

Assembly member Jamie Allard arrived halfway through the press conference, visibly out of breath. “We need to support the mayor in everything he does,” she told the Landmine. “Skiing here from Eagle River was exhausting, but worth it. Totally worth it. We’ve saved millions already by not plowing. And having Anchorage residents commute to work, buy groceries, shop for drugs, or pick up their children on skis, you know. I think it harkens back to a simpler, healthier time. So I support this. I really do.”

Following the press conference, Bronson skied two blocks until out of view of the presser staging area, at which point he climbed into the passenger seat of a burgundy Ford F-250. After only half a block, the F-250 became stuck in a snow drift, spun its tires unsuccessfully until digging itself deeply into the snow, and then remained stationary for several hours.

Mayor Bronson did not reply to a request for comment. His office told the Landmine, “He is probably out skiing somewhere.”

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1 year ago

Love it! Also the photo of the Mayor in an old WWII Bomber jacket.

Scott Sauer
1 year ago

This mayor is an Idiot. Have never heard any thing such inane from an Anchorage mayor.