Humor, Satire, and Parody

Alaska Landmine to launch new Landmine Health section

The Alaska Landmine is excited to announce the launch of a new section called Landmine Health. The section will focus on educating readers on how to lead a healthy lifestyle. Landmine Editor-in-Chief Jeff Landfield commented, “I think I am in a great position to educate people about being healthy. I have great cholesterol, I try to keep it below twenty drinks a week, and I only recently started wearing glasses. I plan to hike to Rabbit Lake some time this fall. Being healthy isn’t just about the physical stuff. I mean, it is. But we want to focus on other things too. Health things.”

Landmine Health will be sponsored by the adult beverage Fireball. Landmine Special Features Editor Paxson Woelber stated, “To be honest, I’m not sure articles like ‘Ten healthy Fireball-based wellness smoothies’ are really responsible. Frankly, I’m questioning whether we should be giving health advice at all. We’re both running off four hours of sleep and the only food in our office is a bag of Doritos and a minifridge half full of Four Loko. I thought they made that stuff illegal.”

Allison Hovanec, author of the Alaska Stalker column, was puzzled when she heard about Landmine Health. “I hate this idea. But, I’m a team player. I am very in tune with my body. Whenever I start feeling off, I solve things by getting pregnant again. I guess I can focus on that?”

The Landmine Health section will launch November 2021, shortly after the launch of Landmine Dating and Landmine Lawn and Garden.

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Peter Hoepfner
2 months ago

Maybe a healthy dating section would be nice!!