Dear President Joe Biden:
As your fellow world leaders, we apologize for not writing sooner to congratulate you on your record-setting victory last November and all the great things you have accomplished so far to advance our common interests.
Speaking for Russia and OPEC, we cannot be more pleased at the rising price of oil and your eagerness to buy so much from us. Here in Russia we are sending the most oil we have ever shipped to your country: almost three-quarters of a million barrels per day! Our friends the Saudis are now sending you twice as much as they were in January when you took office. This is very exciting for us and we are happy for your business.
We are very appreciative of your humility compared to your rude and arrogant predecessor who was so selfish only focusing on America and bragging about being No 1. We are thankful you are not like this. He gave us no choice but to use a price war to get even with your shale drillers for unfairly producing so much oil that we could no longer set the price.
Thanks to your generous decisions to not produce from your federal lands, cancel that unnecessary pipeline from Canada and allow Russia to build our own pipeline to Germany, we can get back to what we do best: controlling the market. Trust us, it is better this way. Not all Americans comprehend this, but they don’t have your 50 years of wisdom in politics. We hear those Canadians aren’t as nice as they seem, either.
Speaking of that, we did receive your request to produce more oil and must respectfully decline. After all, price wars are expensive and we also are mindful of your attention to the climate. We know you’ll understand, and rest assured even though there is no Environmental Protection Agency like yours in our countries, we will continue producing oil for you under our streamlined environmental processes and safeguards that we feel are appropriate, especially in the Arctic. Here in Russia we have 46 icebreakers to your one, so it will be our privilege to ensure the Arctic is well defended by us.
Of course, we have seen you receive some criticism. We saw many people making light of you falling asleep at a recent climate summit, but we are sympathetic. We, too, find that climate change stuff to be boring. Even though such events are tedious, we would have attended but we couldn’t find parking spots for our planes because Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates and Leonardo DiCaprio were using them. Billionaires and millionaires telling poor people how to live should best be left to Hollywood elites anyway.
Some people have even criticized your family. How unfair! Please know that we would never stoop so low as to talk about your son Hunter’s successful business dealings in our countries. To make so many millions with such an active social life is quite a feat, and now we hear he has beautiful works of art available for purchase. Truly you have done a wonderful job raising such a talented son and should be very proud. We will be getting in touch with his broker very soon.
We also must congratulate you on your many triumphs in foreign policy and especially your quick successful retreat from Afghanistan. As Russians we know about leaving that country and we enjoyed the many favorable comparisons our exit received compared to yours. That was quite an unexpected and pleasant surprise. The Taliban certainly are grateful.
Don’t worry about who will help the Taliban operate the many pieces of American equipment you gifted them as they start a new country. Our Chinese military are eager to examine them and will be happy to learn more about your technology. Those few hundred Americans trapped behind will be no bother in this effort.
China is also grateful for the access to the rich rare earth deposits there in Afghanistan. As you know, we are already the world’s biggest supplier and you have graciously allowed us to maintain this position by not developing your own large prospects. You can trust that your friends in China will never limit those important minerals you need for your military.
It has taken a long time, but we are flattered to see your government finally embracing our values and practices such as internal passports, political prosecutions, examining private bank accounts and not letting your Constitution get in the way of achieving your goals. These have worked well for us for some time and we are sure they will for America as well.
Our nations are often wrongly accused of not respecting human rights. However, even as we in Russia, China and Saudi Arabia are proud of our records, we cannot compete with your policy to admit entire populations at your southern border. Your hospitality of not checking backgrounds or even testing for COVID-19 or making sure your new residents attend court hearings is most unprecedented!
Surely a Nobel prize is deserved, for no other countries, even ours, are so prosperous and secure that we can have open borders and be so welcoming as yours.
Finally, we must congratulate you on how popular your policies are with your American subjects. Everywhere you go they are lining up to chant your name!
We do have a word of caution, though. This Brandon person appears to be gaining in popularity. We have a lot of experience with rivals in our countries and know how to deal with troublemakers.
If you would like any advice on this topic, please have your General Milley give us a call. He has the number.
President Putin, Russian Federation
President Xi, People’s Republic of China
Crown Prince bin Salman, Kingdom of Saudi Arabia
This satirical article was submitted by the Office of Governor Mike Dunleavy.